Ever

An eerie sense of déjà vu washed over me as we walked around the side of the house. My mutt bounded ahead of me across the manicured lawn toward the stand of trees in the back of the property. So many memories from a place I hadn’t seen for forty-five years. Bo barked his baritone as a bird flew past his vision and put on a burst of speed in a futile attempt to catch it. He stood still panting and barking after it. A cool autumn breeze ruffled through the trees and I saw Bo’s ears stand up. He head jerked toward the woods and in an instant he was racing into the trees. Probably chasing another animal.

“Bo. Get back over here! Stay out of those trees!”

Woof woof!

I knew I shouldn’t have come back. It was a shock at the reading of the will. I’d thought my parents got rid of this place decades ago. My father’s words from beyond the grave: Please go back to visit, Johnny. The house is yours and it needs tending. I walked to the edge of the tree line, a chill running up my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. The sun was going down and in the dusk I couldn’t see very far into the woods, but I could hear Bo thrashing around in there. Old dogs aren’t supposed to so frisky, but old Bo’s been a city dog all of his life. I don’t remember him ever playing in a yard or in the woods. His domain has been only as far as the leash would let him run.

“Come here, boy.”

Woof!

“Get back here!”

Woof woof!

I step across the threshold of my youth and a stab of real fear courses through my veins. I bend down and pick up a good-sized walking stick as I try to get a bearing on where my dog has gone. Woof! I set off on a barely perceptible trail toward the sound of his bark. A breeze blew through the trees and I shivered along with the leaves around me. I hate this eerie feeling. Ahead I see his tawny tail bristling as he stamps around in frenzy. I finally reach him and place a trembling hand on his coat to calm him, to calm both of us. He is pawing at the ground and I push him away. I see the white stone that he was trying to dig up. I bent down on creaky knees and gently wiped the sparce grass and dirt off of the stone. A tear ran down my face when I read the inscription.

Robbie S. Brennan
1956-1962

I was fifteen, resentful of my parents for leaving me to watch him. It was a perfect time to be alone with Teresa, my first real girlfriend, Yet I was stuck with Robbie, the little pest. When Teresa showed up looking so tanned and beautiful in her skirt and sleeveless white button-down, all I wanted to do was undress her right there in the foyer. My mind raced. Then the light bulb came on. There was still an hour or so of light.

“Robbie, why don’t you go out and play?”

“It’s almost my bed time.”

“Yeah, well it’s Saturday. You can stay up a little later tonight.”

“Really?”

“Sure. I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“You’re the best, Johnny!”

“Yeah, yeah. Put on your coat. And stay in the yard. If you make me come looking for you this’ll be the last time you’ll ever be allowed to do anything.”

“Okay. Thanks Johnny!”

An hour later I climb off the bed. There was a deep blush that dappled Teresa’s chest and neck where her shirt was unbuttoned. She grabbed at my tee shirt and tried to pull me back down for another kiss. I knew if that I did that, I’d be taking off the rest of her clothes and trying to stick it in her. God would not be pleased. I pulled my jeans back on and went to the back door. The little munchkin was nowhere to be seen.

“Robbie!”

“Where’s Robbie, Johnny?”

“I don’t know.” I grabbed my jacket off the hook by the door. “I’ll go look for him.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“You stay here. I’ll find him.”

“Johnny, we’ve got to find him. I’m coming with you.” I handed her one of my Mother’s cardigans and we went out into the growing dusk.

“Robbie!”

“Robbie!”

We split up and started searching the woods, which ran back a quarter of a mile all the way to the river. The more hoarse my voice got, the more angry I got. I was almost to the river when I heard it behind me. A blood-curdling scream. I turned and ran back toward Teresa. When I got to her, she was shaking and huddling her arms around her. Tears were streaming down her face. At her feet was Robbie’s body, naked, beaten and lifeless. I nearly fainted and the two of us leaned against each other for support.

Now I stand on the spot of his murder, Decades have passed but I still remember it as if it were yesterday. Bo has gone quiet and I’m suddenly very cold. The air is sucked out of my lungs and my ears don’t register a sound. My knees feel weak and I consider crashing to the ground a good option. I blink away some tears and when my eyes clear he stands before me. My little brother, Robbie.

“Hi, Johnny.”

“Robbie? It can’t be you. You’re…”

“Dead. Yes, Johnny, I’m dead. Have been for many years now.”

“But how can I see you now?”

“I knew you’d come. Dad came out here a few months back and we talked. I told him to send you. He’s waiting for me. I’ve been waiting here for you.”

“How?”

“I have to talk to you before I move on.”

“You’ve been waiting here for me for forty-five years.”

“I need to talk to you, to tell you it wasn’t your fault.”

“Of course it was my fault. I should’ve never let you out of my sight.”

“I spied on you. I saw you and Teresa kissing. I decided that I was going to hide from you so I could get your attention back. Make you think I was lost. You were my hero, Johnny.”

“Some hero I turned out to be.”

“I was trying to hide where I could still see the house. I didn’t even hear him coming.”

“Who? Who did this to you, Robbie?”

“Doesn’t matter now. He died in prison a long time ago.”

“Good.”

I heard a rustling behind me and turn, startled. Teresa was behind me, looking as beautiful at sixty as she had at fifteen, her casual teenager clothes exchanged for the habit of a modern nun.

“Hello, Sister Teresa.”

“Hi Robbie.”

“I’m glad you’re here too. I wanted to tell you both that I don’t blame you. You’ve both led such pious and good lives. The people that you’ve helped are innumerable. Your penance is served and you are free of the cloth.” Robbie smiles at us and holds his palms skyward. In unison we look through the trees to the heavens. “I have this on the highest authority.”

When I looked back down, Robbie is replaced by a beam of light. It warms my insides and fills my heart with joy. Without a word I loosen my Roman collar and place it on the memorial. Teresa does the same with her habit. We looked into each other’s eyes as tears streamed down our faces. This woman that I’d loved all my life can finally be mine. I take her hand and together we walk back to the house that we will share for the rest of our lives.

We visit Robbie often; sometimes together, other times separate. He no longer talks to us, but we know he’s always watching. On the hottest days Bo can be found curled up alongside the marker in the shade of the old growth trees. The woods have never been more beautiful. The fear is gone, replaced by peace and serenity.

Rest in peace, little brother.