Sleeping With The Dead

I sat at the front of the bar, half listening to the girl at the keyboards croon her tune of lament, half watching the first game of the playoffs on television, fully intent on my brown ale and the next shot of Irish whisky. I turned up the tall glass of beer and drained the last few ounces and waited patiently for the bartender to make her way down to me. Liz was a tall, willowy girl, head and shoulders, no pun intended, above the squeaky-voiced, booze-addled sorority chicks that frequent this place.

"Another, Conor?"

"Better make it a short one this time, I'm feeling pretty buzzed right now." She sashayed down the bar to pour me a pint. When she comes back, she was carrying two shot glasses. She sat them down, we each grabbed one, touched them to the bar and knocked them back. Twelve year-old Irish whisky, there's no substitute.

I looked up and saw that the Indians put a five-spot on the Yankees in the fifth. The girl on the stage managed to take the soul out of the song Hallelujah, I could imagine poor Jeff Buckley spinning in his grave. I took another drink of my beer, its coldness chilled the burn of the whisky. I looked at my watch and it's a little past midnight. Time to be ambling home. When Liz made it back down to my end of the bar, I mimed the message to bring me my check.

"No." It came out as a whine. "You don't have to go home yet. It's still early."

"I've got to get going." She ran the total on my debit card. "Suzanne is waiting on me. I don't want her to worry." Liz gave me a quizzical look, but said nothing. I finished my beer and gave her a wave as I walked to the door.

I'd chosen to walk the mile to the bar out of respect for Suzanne. My wife really didn't like it when I drove after drinking, even if it was right around the corner. Besides, I had to drive right past the police substation on Arcadia. The last thing I needed was to give the cruiser boys a one up on their favorite homicide dick. I was weaving down the hill on Hudson when I felt the overwhelming urge to pee. I walked across the street, down the side street and turned into the wide alley that ran behind the houses. It took a few tries, but I found a spot between a tall bush and a garage and did my business. I wished for not the first time that I could learn to take a pee before it became an emergency.

The rest of my trip was uneventful. I avoided the trap of walking through Hound Dogs, avoiding the inherent traps of late night eating and a foray into another bar. I picked up steam as I went down the hill on Dodridge, smiled as I turned the corner on my street when I noticed she'd left the light on for me. I opened the door, kicked off my shoes, flicked off the light, brushed my teeth in the dark. I walked silently into our room and pulled back the covers. In the darkness, I could only sense her, smell her. I climbed in an pulled her close. As I passed out, I was luxuriating in her warmth.

The alarm went off at 5:45 in the morning and I quickly reached over to hit the off button. She didn't have to work that day, so I wanted to let her sleep. I laid there for a moment, contemplated another fifteen minutes of sleep. I reached out to Suzanne, but all I felt was twisted sheets and pillows. I rolled and turned the light on to it's dimmest of settings. Frantically I looked about, but she was nowhere to be seen. It started coming back to me again. Suzanne was dead. Three years gone and I still tasted her in my dreams. I picked up my pistol from the nightstand and put the barrel in my mouth. One squeeze would end this nightmare once and for all. One Squeeze. My thumb didn't possess the strength to make it happen. I put the pistol back down and walked down the hallway to turn the shower on. The water and the steam started to work the alcohol out of my system.

Maybe next time. Maybe next time I can drink enough to bring her back for real. Maybe next time I can drink enough pull the trigger. Maybe next time the dream will last until the morning. Because it is only a dream when I'm asleep. And it's only a nightmare when I wake up.